Halloween 9
by Jakester
Summary: A little Halloween parody I came up with featuring some characters I made up and will use in future stories. Takes place after Resurrection and Michael takes a trip to a small town in Iowa.
1. The arrival

Note: I don't own Halloween  
  
Halloween 9  
  
List of characters  
  
Jake-The funny and cute one of the group. Has long, brown hair, with a little blond highlights. Usually seen wearing one of those Jack Skeleton caps, with a Hooters shirt with a white shirt underneath and jeans. Hunter-Jake's longtime friend. Has butch black hair. Usually wearing Dallas Cowboys shirt and jeans. Sam-The mean one of the group. Has spiky hair with blond highlights. Wears jeans (hmmm, see a trend going on here? ( ) with an Ozzfest t-shirt. Billy-The stoner of the group. Has long brown hair. Usually wearing jeans and WWE shirts. JJ-The wuss of the group. Kinda short, only 5"8. Has short brown hair. Usually wears plain color shirts with jeans. Rebecca-The hotty of the group. Lusted by everybody mentioned above. Has long red hair. Usually wears blouses and skirts. Harry-The teacher/mentor/friend of all these teens. Basically knows everything. Is really hairy (hence his name). Has an afro and big beard. Usually wearing the usual scientist stuff. Evil Billy-Evil twin of Billy created by Harry. Looks the same as him, only a bit taller and his feet are stuck in a jar (Was created in a jar and never has been able to get them out). Also not very bright. Annoying Joe-Name says it all. Thinks he's so cool so he goes around asking everybody "What are you looking at?" Has red spiky hair, face is freckly and has braces. Zach-A bit of a trouble maker. Wears glasses and has a blonde afro. Beaman-Zach's partner in crime. Really fat kid, curly black long hair and squints a lot. Also the most foul-mouthed, prejudice kid ever. You know that saying "If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all?" If he listened to that, he'd be mute. Mike/Shaggy-Really tall kid, with long shaggy hair (hence nickname). Wears Metallica sweatshirts a lot. Is really easy to make fun of too. Dante-Big stoner, but also a big loser. Only smokes the reefer to fit in, but he doesn't. Has afro.  
  
The scene opens at the morgue where Michael Myers' body is being kept after being burnt to a crisp in Resurrection. A cop and morgue attendant are standing around the body.  
  
Cop: So this is Myers, huh? Attendant: Yes it is. Cop: (After looking at body closely, turns to attendant) He'll come back. I just know it. He's always come back. Seems like nothing came keep him down. Attendant: Then what will we do? This town has had enough of his mayhem! Cop: (Thinks for a while, then comes up with an idea) We'll send him to Iowa! Attendant: (Smiling) Excellent idea!  
  
A few days later, on Halloween, a strange box arrives in the storage section of an airport somewhere in Iowa. A worker finds the box.  
  
Worker: Hmmmm, why's this box have holes in it? Don't tell me somebody's tried to mail themselves again.  
  
Suddenly a hand crashes through the box making a hole big enough for whoever is in the box to rise out. We only see the backside of the figure. The worker gets a panicked look on his face.  
  
Worker: W-w-who are you?  
  
The figure picks up a piece of the broken wood and slices the worker's throat with it. He gargles as his blood oozes from his mouth and the open wound on his neck and falls over dead. A few minutes later we see the figure walk out of the airport and along the road. He passes near a sign that says "Smalltown: 10 miles." Meanwhile at Smalltown High School, everybody is decorating the commons area for the Halloween dance.  
  
Sam: Man, I'm so bored. Jake: I know man! This sucks! Billy: I have an idea! Let's make fun of JJ! All: Stellar!  
  
They all walk to JJ who is setting up the balloons.  
  
Jake: Hey, JJ! If you had a gay guy on your back, would you beat him off? JJ: Ugh, well, of course! (Everyone laughs) What? Billy: Nothing. How about if you were on a bus full of gay guys? Would you get off? JJ: As fast as I could! (Laughter becomes heavier) Sam: (trying to catch his breath) I'm just. I'm just wondering something else. Have you heard of the movie "Gay Guys Say No?" JJ: Uh, NO! Hey wait a sec! Are you guys making fun of me? Jake: (Trying to hold back tears from laughing too much) What makes you say that?  
  
JJ shakes his head and walks over to Rebecca  
  
Rebecca: What's wrong? JJ: Those 3 are making fun of me again! Rebecca: Geez, that's too bad! JJ: Yeah. (cracks a smile) Can I get a little.oh you know! Rebecca: (gasps) Hello? I'm not that sympathetic! JJ: Oh. (smile fades)  
  
Meanwhile in the library, Evil Billy is watching through the windows coming up with an evil plot.  
  
Evil Billy: Oh boy! I'm gonna give them the scare of their lives! (Grabs a butcher knife and puts on a familiar looking William Shatner mask) This oughtta do the trick!  
  
He jumps out of the library behind JJ and Rebecca with the butcher knife in hands and makes a scary noise. Rebecca and JJ both scream at the top of their lungs.  
  
Hunter: What's going on here? Sam: Holy shit! Psychopath with butcher knife! Jake: Let's kick his ass! Billy: Yeah!  
  
All four gang up on Evil Billy and beat the crap out of him. Just then Harry walks in.  
  
Harry: What's going on here?  
  
They all get up leaving Evil Billy on the ground. He then gets up and removes his mask.  
  
Evil Billy: Guys! It's just me! Harry: God dang it, Evil Billy! Never do that again! Rebecca: I know! You nearly gave me a heart attack! And look! JJ needs to change his pants now! JJ: Damn, I was hoping that wouldn't be noticeable! Jake: And for crying out loud, if you are going to do that again, use a fake knife! Somebody could get hurt! Evil Billy: (pointing to self) Hello? Harry: Well, you deserved it! Evil Billy: C'mon, guys! It's Halloween! Everyone need a good scare! Harry: A good fake one!  
  
Evil Billy sighs and leaves.  
  
Sam: Hey, now let's beat the crap out of JJ! Hunter: From the smell, I would have guessed he's already beaten us to that!  
  
Evil Billy is storming outside swearing a lot, carrying his mask and knife. Suddenly he runs into the figure.  
  
Evil Billy: Great makeup! But don't show those guys in there! They'll get pissed!  
  
The figure suddenly grabs the knife out of E.B.'s hands and stabs him in the gut. E.B. falls to the ground. The figure picks up the mask and puts it on. We know right then, that the figure is none other than Michael Myers.  
  
Later that night, the dance begins. Harry is dressed as Count Dracula. Billy and Sam walk in later. Sam is dressed as Jason while Billy is dressed as Freddy.  
  
Sam: Love the costume. Billy: Thanks. You too, man!  
  
Afterwards Jake and Hunter walk in dressed as their favorite duo, Jay and Silent Bob.  
  
Jake: Snooch to the noonch! Hunter: Word. Sam: I wonder what queerbait's costume is!  
  
All of a sudden, JJ walks in wearing a Pikachu costume. The dance stops as everybody turns to face him with wide eyes.  
  
JJ: Uh, Pika? Everybody: Queer!  
  
The dance resumes as Rebecca walks in wearing her red hair down and wearing a blouse and pair of bell-bottoms familiar looking to any Halloween fan.  
  
Billy: Who are you supposed to be? Rebecca: Actress Jamie Lee Curtis. Harry: You kinda look more like Laurie Strode. Rebecca: Um, who's that? Harry: The sister of the most notorious serial killer (camera zooms to face) Michael Myers!  
  
Creepy organ music plays after he says this. Hunter turns around to see JJ at an organ.  
  
Hunter: Will you knock that off? Billy: I'm curious! Tell us about this Myers. Harry: Gladly.  
  
As Harry's story begins, clips from previous Halloween movies appear.  
  
Harry: On Halloween night 1963, when he was only 6 years old, he went into his sister's room with a butcher knife and killed her. He was locked up in a sanitarium for 15 years. When he was going to be transported to another one, he escaped and killed tons of teenagers. His sister Laurie was the only survivor that night, thinking he died in an explosion. But 20 years later he returned and killed her son's friends. She tried to kill him by decapitating him, but it turned out to be somebody else she killed. She was locked up. And last year she and the guards at the asylum were found dead. Rumor has it Michael killed them! (Back to present) Long story I know. I hope I didn't bore you!  
  
The camera zooms out to see a person who hung themselves from boredom, like in Airplane.  
  
Sam: Spooky! Jake: Where did all this take place? Harry: In Haddonfield, Illinois. Jake: Well, that's far away! So we don't need to worry! Let's party!  
  
The dance resumes. Rob Zombie's version of Brick House starts playing. Harry tries to join in the fun, but stops because he has to use the bathroom. Cut to Harry in the bathroom taking a wiz in the stall whistling, when all of a sudden, the Shape appears behind him. As Harry finishes, he zips his pants up, flushes, and turns around only to be startled.  
  
Harry: Goddangit, Evil Billy! I thought I told you to stop that!  
  
The Shape raises the knife in the air and with a quick swipe, off goes Harry's head into the toilet. Cut to outside the school where the troublemaking duo of Zach and Beaman are arriving. It's too dark to see any of them.  
  
Zach: Shit, I think we're late! Beaman: Who cares? Why'd you drag me into this Loserpalooza in the first place? Zach: Mainly to make fun of the lower classmen! Beaman: Good idea! By the way, what are you?  
  
Zach steps in front of the doorway so we can what he is. He has a pillow stuffed under his shirt and is squinting.  
  
Zach: I'm you! Ha ha! So what're you?  
  
Beaman steps into the light to reveal a blonde afro on his head!  
  
Beaman: I'm you, bitch!  
  
While insulting each other, they don't notice Michael walking through the hallways, noticing them and walking towards them. The Shape steps right outside with knife ready to stab.  
  
Beaman: Oh look! Another flaming drag queen! Nice mask, homo!  
  
Michael raises his knife and jabs the knife into Beaman's head real deep. Beaman dies almost instantly.  
  
Zach: (in shock) Holy shit! You killed Beaman by stabbing him in the head! How'd you manage that? He had no brain!  
  
While Zach is standing there pondering the death of his friend, Michael walks over and stabs him. 


	2. The Dance

In another part of the school, Dante and Shaggy are toking up. Dante has his fro even bigger with a pick in (to make himself look like Shorty from Scary Movie), but Shaggy isn't wearing a costume.  
  
Shaggy: Man, this stuff is good!  
  
Dante: I know! Hey, by the way. Why don't you have a costume on? I mean, c'mon! It's Halloween!  
  
Shaggy: Well, from what I hear, I'm scary enough that I don't need a costume.  
  
The Shape appears behind the two grabbing their attention. Michael is ready to stab, but he looks down at Shaggy and his eyes get cartoon-like big, he makes a "Yipes" sound and zooms away.  
  
Shaggy: Well, I guess they're right! Let's see where that weirdo is going.  
  
They start walking towards where they saw Michael going. Shaggy suddenly sees a sign that says "Yu-Gi-Oh cards this way!" (Shaggy's also kinda a nerd)  
  
Shaggy: Alright!  
  
He starts running in the direction and sees the door that says "Right in here!" Shaggy, without hesitation, opens the door and jumps in. Little did he know before he opened it that it was the doorway to the basement and Michael removed the stairs and put a bed of spikes at the bottom. Poor Shaggy. At the doorway, Michael is standing there admiring his work when Dante walks up, looks down at Shaggy's dead impaled body, looks up at Michael and then smiles and holds out his hand to shake.  
  
Dante: Congratulations on killing Shaggy, Michael!  
  
Michael is a little hesitant, but shakes hands with Dante and rips off his arm. Dante dies slowly. Later, everybody is still in the commons area where the dance is going. The Sounds' Seven Days a Week is playing as everybody appears to be bored.  
  
Jake: Dude, this is getting boring!  
  
Sam: I know! Has everyone left?  
  
Hunter: Must have. Maybe JJ's costume scared them off!  
  
JJ: Hey, my mom made this for me!  
  
Billy: Uh. uhh. ah, never mind! Too easy!  
  
Suddenly Annoying Joe runs in looking a bit energetic Joe: Dude, you wont believe this! It looks like somebody crapped their head out!  
  
All: Say what?  
  
Joe: Well, here. Just follow me!  
  
Everyone follows him into the boy's bathroom (yes, even Rebecca) where he leads them to the stall where Harry's dismembered head is floating in the toilet while his headless body lay near.  
  
Rebecca: OH MY GOD!  
  
Sam: Crap! Everybody hide in the broom closet!  
  
Everybody runs into the broom closet where it is dark.  
  
Rebecca: JJ, I know you're scared and I'm scared too! But please don't hold my hand!  
  
JJ: I'm not holding it!  
  
Rebecca: Then who is?  
  
Jake looks around for the light switch, finds it and flips it to reveal the dead bodies of Zach, Beaman, Shaggy and Dante. Everyone panics and runs out.  
  
Billy: Oh man! Somebody's killing everyone here!  
  
Joe: But who?  
  
The Shape appears behind Joe and jams his knife into his back, lifting him in the air like in Halloween 2 and H20.  
  
Jake: Dude.  
  
Sam: It's. it's. Michael Myers! That dude Harry was talking about!  
  
JJ: I knew this day would come! I must do what I have been dreaming about doing for years!  
  
JJ walks up to Michael after he drops Joe's body. They make eye contact, stare for a while and JJ smiles.  
  
JJ: Dude! I am your #1 fan! I loved Austin Powers, So I Married An Axe Murderer, Shrek and Cat In The Hat! I would love an autograph from you!  
  
Silence as everyone, even Michael, look at JJ with a weird look. Then Michael picks up his knife and carves his name into JJ's skull.  
  
JJ: Thanks. I. think.  
  
He falls over dead. Everyone's panicking trying to figure out what to do.  
  
Hunter: Jake, what will we do?  
  
Jake: Hang on! Hang on! Hmmmmm, what do they do in the movies? (snaps fingers) That's it! We split up!  
  
Sam: Great idea!  
  
They all run separate ways while Michael stands there and shakes his head, thinking how all the teens he has killed have been the same; dumb. He starts walking the way one of the teens went. Jake and Hunter are hiding in the Tech room, all relaxed thinking they are safe.  
  
Jake: Ah, this is a great place to hide! He'll just never find us here!  
  
Michael appears behind Jake with a rope and wraps it around Jake's neck. Jake is struggling to get out while his friend Hunter is standing there still relaxed, obviously not knowing what's going on.  
  
Hunter: You're absolutely right! You are a genius, Jake! Jake? Jake?  
  
Hunter turns to see Jake's not there. He looks up to find his friend's body hanging from the ceiling.  
  
Hunter: Jake!  
  
He looks across the room to see Michael standing there. Now he's pissed. He goes over to Michael with fists up, ready to fight.  
  
Hunter: Oh, it's on now, you mofo!  
  
Hunter throws a few fake punches at Michael, who stands there not flinching. Michael grabs the head of Hunter and crushes it in a second. He walks out of the Tech room and starts walking down the hallway only to be attacked by Sam, who is using kung fu on him.  
  
Sam: Yeah! Forget Freddy Vs. Jason! Michael Vs. Jason is the real battle!  
  
While Sam is too busy attempting kung fu, Michael walks up to him, grabs his hockey mask and starts walking backwards as the straps begin to stretch. The good idea would be for Sam to remove the straps from his head and run off, but instead he just stands there confused about what Michael is doing. A few seconds later, the strap of the hockey mask is almost as long as half of a football field. Sam is very uncomfortable with the pressure the strap is putting on the back of his head, but does he step out of it and run? Noooooo!  
  
Sam: Just let it go!  
  
Michael does so and the mask comes flying back to Sam's face at almost top speed and BAM! The mask crushes Sam's face on impact causing blood to come out of the nose and mouth holes and his eyes to pop right out of their sockets. It also causes his neck to crack. Sam dies instantly. Billy and Rebecca are hiding in lockers and have been viewing the mayhem. Rebecca is trying to hold back her screaming.  
  
Rebecca: This is horrible! What will we do?  
  
Billy: Quiet! I'm thinking! Wait! I've got it! Harry said you look like his sister, right?  
  
Rebecca: Yes.  
  
Billy: So go out there and say you are his sister! I think her name was Laurie! While you're distracting him, I'll kill him with my glove!  
  
Rebecca: You mean that's not fake?  
  
Billy: No, pussies wear fake ones! Well, that's not the point! Get out there!  
  
Rebecca slowly steps out of the locket and faces Michael. They stare at each other for a few seconds, Michael staring at her like he knows her. Then he starts walking slowly up to her and she starts backing up. She decides to start speaking.  
  
Rebecca: Um. Michael? It's me. Laurie.  
  
Michael then passes the locker Billy is hiding in allowing him to step out slowly and put his knifed glove in the air ready to attack. He looks at Rebecca with a look on his face signaling "Keep talking!"  
  
Rebecca: Um, please quit killing all these people, Michael! I'll make you a deal! If you stop killing them.  
  
She then unbuttons her blouse and flashes Michael and grins.  
  
Rebecca: You can feel these!  
  
Both Michael and Billy's eyes get wide. Michael's expression says "What? My sister wants her to touch her boobs?" while Billy's says "What the hell are you doing?" Then he snaps out of it and jams his glove through Michael. Michael doesn't move. Then he looks down at the knives coming out from his stomach, grabs them and yanks them off of Billy's hand and through his stomach. He turns around to Billy.  
  
Billy: Oh shit! Time for Plan B!  
  
Rebecca: What's that?  
  
Billy: Panic! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.  
  
His scream is cut short by Michael grabbing him by the throat, slamming him against the wall and impaling him with the Freddy glove. He looks at the body just like in the first Halloween. Then he picks up his knife he dropped earlier and turns around to Rebecca.  
  
Rebecca: Please. please don't kill me.  
  
Things aren't looking good for her as Michael readies the knife for stabbing, when all of a sudden a shotgun blast is heard and Michael stumbles forward. He looks behind him to see Evil Billy, thought to be dead, holding a shotgun.  
  
Evil Billy: Trick or treat, motherfucka!  
  
He holds the shotgun up to Michael's face and pulls the trigger. BLAM! Pieces of his face and the back of his skull go flying into the wall. Michael, standing there with a hole in his head, slowly falls to the ground. It seems that the Shape is finally brought down for good. Evil Billy hops over to the wall to sit, still in pain from being stabbed. Rebecca rushes over to him.  
  
Rebecca: Oh my god! Are you OK?  
  
Evil Billy: (gasping for air) Barely.  
  
Rebecca: Oh, shoot! The nearest phone is across the street! You stay right here! I'll get some help!  
  
Rebecca rushes off as E.B. just sits there smiling.  
  
Evil Billy: Ahh, it feels good to be the hero for once.  
  
Suddenly an arm carrying a knife shoots through the air and decapitates E.B. We see the Shape, even with a big hole in his head, is still alive! The cop was right! Nothing can stop him! One of his eyes is still hanging out of his mutilated head, so he can see where he's going as he goes after Rebecca. She crosses the street to get to the payphone as Michael steps onto the road, ready for his next kill when a semi comes and hits him. Michael is only down for a few seconds, and then he slowly gets up and limps toward Rebecca, who is on the phone now. He raises his knife when a meteor falls from the sky and crushes him. Rebecca is startled from the noise.  
  
Rebecca: Oh my goodness! (Turns around to see meteor) Ah, man! I forgot to make my wish!  
  
THE END 


End file.
